Vatertag
by MissJayne
Summary: Gibbs always reflects on being a father at this time of the year. Father's Day fic; oneshot.


_A/N: Sorry it's a little late. This was originally going to be a Jibbs, but I kept it open on purpose. _

_For my father. The best father a girl could ever wish for._

Vatertag

The cold tile of the bathroom floor kept Leroy Jethro Gibbs anchored in reality. His mind was a maelstrom of thoughts. Why did this have to happen today of all days?

Father's Day was never an easy day for him. He still considered himself a parent – the father of a little girl who had never… _would_ never grow up. Years ago, he had adored the day. Handmade gifts from Kelly, somehow finding their way to him on the front line. They had warmed his heart, something to remind him of the joy back home, of the reason he was risking his life in the first place.

Nothing had prepared him for the feeling of becoming a father. He had never believed he could love such a small thing so completely, feel so in awe, be prepared to do _anything_ for her. She had been perfect in every way – like a tiny porcelain doll. And like a doll, he had been convinced he would break her until Shannon had soothed his fears.

He had not minded the sleepless nights or the crying, enjoying every moment of looking after his angel. He had let Shannon sleep through the night, watching his wife sleep while Kelly stared up at him with her wide eyes.

She had grown up so quickly; one minute she had been struggling to hold her head up and the next she had turned into an inquisitive toddler. Her favorite word had become 'why' and her favorite place had been his basement. She had viewed the skeleton of his boat as a climbing frame much to his horror. Thankfully there had never been an accident.

His time away had not been easy – there had been a hole in his heart in the shape of his two girls. Shannon had kept him up to date with constant letters, the odd audiotape and some of Kelly's drawings, usually with a short note telling him what they were supposed to be. On his first trip home, he had both marveled at and regretted just how much she had grown.

She was strangely independent, a little bundle of energy with a big heart. She had his pout copied perfectly and knew exactly when to wield her weapon. Her smile and giggles were infectious; she had been the light of his life.

She had loved ballet and he had taken her to classes, faithfully attending every recital. Despite his absences from her life, she had definitely been a Daddy's girl, observing his every move and determined to make him proud.

It had been Shannon's idea for her to learn the piano and he had loved listening to her practice, her innocent fingers dancing over the keys. She had kept up her lessons during Desert Storm; the tapes leaving a goofy smile on his face for days.

And then she was gone.

It felt as though the world should have ended. He had never thought it possible for a heart to break, but he had been proved wrong. For a time, he had not seen a reason to carry on.

No one understood. No one _could _understand. Whatever he did, whatever he experienced, whatever he thought was tinged with them. With memories; with knowing they should be beside him, experiencing the same things.

And now he was sitting on another bathroom floor, another woman – this time not his wife – beside him, waiting for the result of another pregnancy test.

He rested the back of his head against the side of the bath, holding hands with his lover in their shared sense of shock. Yet neither of them were prepared to speak, to offer comfort and support in this hour.

She had scared him on his return. To come home and see her so nervous, feel her confusion and fear… he had wanted to gather her in his arms and protect her. She was so strong, so independent, but they both knew what the stakes were. Her position would be at risk if it turned out he had knocked her up. And she was well aware of his family; astute enough to guess at what was flying through his mind.

She had dragged him to her bathroom, unprepared to suggest out loud the possibility that she could be pregnant, as though by staying silent this would all turn out to be a dream – whether a fairytale or nightmare he had yet to decide. The row of tests had brought a twitch to his lips; she had thought this through enough to realize both of them would want confirmation whatever the result.

The initial shock was beginning to wear off and was slowly being replaced with a calm acceptance. He would accept her decisions in the moments to come regardless of the result. He could do nothing about it.

He wasn't even sure what he wanted the result to be. With all his wives after Shannon, he had never wanted children, never wanted to deal with the inevitable difficult moments that would be arisen. And yet he could see a future with his lover – certainly not an easy one, but whoever said things had to end happily ever after?

If the result was positive, their relationship would change forever. They would be tied through another life, whether their own relationship continued or failed. A life they would both be responsible for.

Part of him wanted to see the outcome of their union – he knew on some level she longed for a child. They would spoil an infant, showering it with love and affection. And although he had never told anyone, he had hoped for another child with Shannon. Perhaps this was to be that chance, despite his lover not being the mother of his previous child.

But he was not sure he could bear the pain – what if something happened to this child, this child he was not even sure existed yet? He would not live through another heartbreak; it would destroy him completely.

As though reading his mind, his lover squeezed his hand gently. The simple gesture brought him back to the present.

The present. If she was indeed pregnant, he knew his chauvinism would compel him to propose. A child born outside of wedlock was not an option. Yet as he sat on the cold floor, he knew deep in his heat that he wanted to marry her whatever the result, to make her the fifth and final Mrs. Gibbs.

An egg timer balanced on the sink began to sound, alerting them that it was time to discover the truth. He squeezed her hand tight and pulled her up, determined to face the future together no matter what happened.


End file.
